Just a Thursday night

I don’t consider what I do for a living to be a “career”. To me, it’s a “job”. And a short term one at that. I’m not quitting tomorrow or anything, I’ve just decided to not delude myself into thinking this is going to be more than it already is. I have no real expectations at this point and I hope I can keep it that way. I did have expectations. A few weeks ago, I was thinking it would turn into something I could do for a while and hey, it might still, but I’m not going to expect it.

Monday I start seeing a counselor again. A therapist, if you will. I’m stressed. Beyond stressed and I need some guidance. You’d think I would find a life coach since that’s what I used to think they were for, but I don’t think a life coach could even help me now. I don’t need someone to ask me questions to help me find my own answer. I need someone to carry me for a little while. Someone who will say “Here, come sit on my couch. Let’s talk for a while and I’ll tell you what I think.” I found someone close to home and she’s really quite nice. She has evening hours, too. It was meant to be.

This will be the 4th therapist I’ve seen in as many years. That used to bug me, but now I think it’s kind of funny. I’ve met just the right counselors at just the right time to help me get through whatever I’m dealing with. Each one was perfectly suited to the struggle I was facing. And each and every one, different as they were, gave me something I could take away and keep forever.

Patricia, the first one I saw way back in 2004 was very sweet, but loved to challenge me too. She introduced me to “The Four Agreements”. Even now, I am looking at that book on my desk top. I pick it up and re-read specific chapters every so often to help reinforce it’s four lessons:

• Be Impeccable with your Word
• Don’t Take Anything Personally
• Don’t Make Assumptions
• Always Do Your Best

Everyone should read this book and I’m not exaggerating. It’s a life altering experience - so long as you’re willing to really get into it and accept what Mr. Ruiz is teaching. Patricia also taught me in a very sweet way to be grateful and thankful for everything in my life. When I saw her she was slowly going blind due to a degenerative condition. I believe she has since had surgery to reverse it, but man, did I ever look up to her. She was facing such hardship and yet, she was thankful and so focused on me at every visit! I’ll never forget that.

Maria, the second therapist that I crossed paths with was truly a gift from heaven. She taught me so much and was the first person to introduce me to principles like The Law of Attraction, Meditation, True Self, and she really encouraged me to look into my more spiritual nature instead of relying on “religion” to get me through things. She got me to look at faith, at learning to be quiet and allowing God to speak to me and move me. It was something that I had never dared to consider, but man, did it ever feel like home. I talked to her not too long ago. She has a practice now specializing in this kind of therapy. Unfortunately, she doesn’t take insurance, but I’m working on seeing her again, anyhow. Just because I feel like we’ve got unfinished business.

Janet, the last one I saw was such a treat. She was sweet, kind, quiet, and so wise. She also did EMDR which I took too like a fish to water. That worked some wonders. What I loved about Janet was her practical nature. If something didn’t fit into the picture, she taught me to take it out, simple as that. It’s as easy as deciding to give it up or go about that thing differently. It was hard to argue with her because she was so matter of fact. She also created a very safe place for me to reveal some of the pain from very deep inside me. EMDR helped too. It’s so much easier to share scary feelings when you can express them accurately. You feel less crazy, quite honestly.

Now, Monday I start with Terri and I have to admit, I’m curious and a bit anxious to see what I’ll learn from her. I’m at such an odd place in my life right now. I never expected to ever feel the way I do right now. I’m 5 months from turning 30 and I feel like at a crossroads and I’m staring up at the signs, one pointing left and the other pointing right. Only, the names of the two towns that I can travel to are written in a language I don’t yet understand. Notice, I said “yet”. The answer is out there, maybe Monday it’ll start to make sense.

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