Fresh Air

When I was a little girl, my best friend and I used to pretend that we lived in a make-believe world where we were elves. We lived in the forest and hunted for our food. We drank from rivers and had way more drama in our little lives than anyone could ever hope for. Someone was always being kidnapped or dying or running away, sometimes all in one day. We lived for that stuff. It was quite fun, actually. I think what I liked most about our little game, though was the fact that almost all of it had to be played outside. During the daytime that meant we swam in the “lake” all day in her backyard pool and at night we prowled around the neighborhood having all kinds of adventures. We would scale block walls to escape our captors or run through the park dodging this way and that as to avoid the arrows being fired our way. Poisoned arrows, mind you.

We played that game for a long long time. And even now, when I’m outside on a night like tonight I can remember how it felt to let my imagination run away with me. It was so freeing and giddy. I loved creating my character, deciding what she looked like and peppering her life story with little bits of mystery and scandal. You know, it’s strange because I look at the character that I created for myself when I was 8 years old and she’s almost exactly opposite who I’ve become as an adult. I’m sure my therapist could go on for hours on that one. Oh well, I suppose that alter ego is still somewhere inside me. I chose her for very specific reasons, some part of my subconscious was clued in even at age 8 to know what kind of person I was at my core and so she created this alternate view of who I was to allow me to venture out a little bit. I was more daring while playing make-believe that I ever was in real life. I suppose that’s something to think about even now.

P.S. Oh and if Heather is reading this, yes, that is what I’m talking about.

Just a Thursday night

I don’t consider what I do for a living to be a “career”. To me, it’s a “job”. And a short term one at that. I’m not quitting tomorrow or anything, I’ve just decided to not delude myself into thinking this is going to be more than it already is. I have no real expectations at this point and I hope I can keep it that way. I did have expectations. A few weeks ago, I was thinking it would turn into something I could do for a while and hey, it might still, but I’m not going to expect it.

Monday I start seeing a counselor again. A therapist, if you will. I’m stressed. Beyond stressed and I need some guidance. You’d think I would find a life coach since that’s what I used to think they were for, but I don’t think a life coach could even help me now. I don’t need someone to ask me questions to help me find my own answer. I need someone to carry me for a little while. Someone who will say “Here, come sit on my couch. Let’s talk for a while and I’ll tell you what I think.” I found someone close to home and she’s really quite nice. She has evening hours, too. It was meant to be.

This will be the 4th therapist I’ve seen in as many years. That used to bug me, but now I think it’s kind of funny. I’ve met just the right counselors at just the right time to help me get through whatever I’m dealing with. Each one was perfectly suited to the struggle I was facing. And each and every one, different as they were, gave me something I could take away and keep forever.

Patricia, the first one I saw way back in 2004 was very sweet, but loved to challenge me too. She introduced me to “The Four Agreements”. Even now, I am looking at that book on my desk top. I pick it up and re-read specific chapters every so often to help reinforce it’s four lessons:

• Be Impeccable with your Word
• Don’t Take Anything Personally
• Don’t Make Assumptions
• Always Do Your Best

Everyone should read this book and I’m not exaggerating. It’s a life altering experience - so long as you’re willing to really get into it and accept what Mr. Ruiz is teaching. Patricia also taught me in a very sweet way to be grateful and thankful for everything in my life. When I saw her she was slowly going blind due to a degenerative condition. I believe she has since had surgery to reverse it, but man, did I ever look up to her. She was facing such hardship and yet, she was thankful and so focused on me at every visit! I’ll never forget that.

Maria, the second therapist that I crossed paths with was truly a gift from heaven. She taught me so much and was the first person to introduce me to principles like The Law of Attraction, Meditation, True Self, and she really encouraged me to look into my more spiritual nature instead of relying on “religion” to get me through things. She got me to look at faith, at learning to be quiet and allowing God to speak to me and move me. It was something that I had never dared to consider, but man, did it ever feel like home. I talked to her not too long ago. She has a practice now specializing in this kind of therapy. Unfortunately, she doesn’t take insurance, but I’m working on seeing her again, anyhow. Just because I feel like we’ve got unfinished business.

Janet, the last one I saw was such a treat. She was sweet, kind, quiet, and so wise. She also did EMDR which I took too like a fish to water. That worked some wonders. What I loved about Janet was her practical nature. If something didn’t fit into the picture, she taught me to take it out, simple as that. It’s as easy as deciding to give it up or go about that thing differently. It was hard to argue with her because she was so matter of fact. She also created a very safe place for me to reveal some of the pain from very deep inside me. EMDR helped too. It’s so much easier to share scary feelings when you can express them accurately. You feel less crazy, quite honestly.

Now, Monday I start with Terri and I have to admit, I’m curious and a bit anxious to see what I’ll learn from her. I’m at such an odd place in my life right now. I never expected to ever feel the way I do right now. I’m 5 months from turning 30 and I feel like at a crossroads and I’m staring up at the signs, one pointing left and the other pointing right. Only, the names of the two towns that I can travel to are written in a language I don’t yet understand. Notice, I said “yet”. The answer is out there, maybe Monday it’ll start to make sense.

Memories

Should be sleeping

I’m up way too late seeing as I need to be up in less than 6 hours, but I started stressing about work (again) and it got me so worked up, I couldn’t sleep. I tried to relax. Michael had me focus on my breathing so I would stop thinking and it worked, bless his heart, but soon my mind was spinning again.

The only thing that finally calmed me was to get up, find a resolution for the issue that was stressing me out, and make a plan for putting it into action tomorrow. Once that was done, the adrenaline stopped, my mind quieted and I’m getting sleepy now.

I can’t keep this up, at this job or any other. I’ve got to find a way to stop these anxiety attacks, or whatever you’d call them.

Suggestions, anyone?

Lyme Disease

Last year, in my old career path, I met a lot of people who were suspected to have Lyme Disease. Most of them, actually, all but one of them, confirmed this through rigorous (and expensive) testing. Even though I don’t do that work any longer, I still worry about them and I worry about other people out there suffering from this mysterious disease. The CDC has declared Lyme Disease a “non-event” for the most part and claims that 2 weeks of antibiotic therapy will cure you. I cry bullshit. And I mean to use such a harsh term. They’re killing people by not reporting the truth. Go to Google News and look up Lyme Disease, you’ll find hundreds of stories of people struggling for years being misdiagnosed and treated for everything from Fibromyalgia to Bipolar to an insatiable need for attention. Here is a story I read two days ago on www.cnn.com…

10-year battle with pain highlights Lyme disease debate

It was on the front page then, now I had to do a search for it. It’s been buried on the cnn page in the last two days which sucks. People need to hear about this, hence why I’m posting it here. I know not many people read my blog and that’s fine, just please, if you’re touched by this story (or enraged like I was and am) share it with someone. You never know who is out there, suffering silently, needing inspiration to keep searching because an answer is out there.

I did some research last year on Lyme and I have a few very helpful books so if you would like to know more, just email me. Or comment here and I’ll try to answer the best I can or find a resource for you.

20 things more important than work

I have a hard time remembering that my job is not always the most important thing in life. I’ve been like this ever since I worked at Boston Market back in high school/college. I found that I won favor with the managers if I was super dedicated to work and it served it’s purpose at the time. Well, I have maintained that belief over the last bazillion years of my working life and it’s been known to get me into a pickle from time to time. I’m trying to learn that yes, work, my job, my career, whatever you want to call it, is important, but it’s not the end all. When 5 rolls around (or 5:30 Mon-Thurs and 2 on Fridays in my case) other things take priority. To help me retain this information and enforce this belief a bit more, I decided that I would list 20 things off the top of my head that are more important than work… here goes:

1) Laughing with my husband
2) Taking care of my fish
3) Catching a flight for a long weekend away
4) Going out with friends
5) Helping out my family
6) Hanging out with my friends and their kids
7) Shopping
8. Going to the gym
9) Reading a book
10) Getting my car washed
11) Seeing my nephew
12) Getting a Mani-pedi
13) Running the errands I was too busy having fun to do on the weekend
14) Kitties (you knew it had to be somewhere on this list)
15) Talking on the phone with my mom
16) Rock Band
17) Meeting Stacy and Clinton (a long shot, but I had to include it in case it ever happens)
18) Thai Food
19) Anything having to do with babies
20) Going to the doctor

There, that wasn’t so hard. Maybe I’ll try to come up with 20 more tomorrow. Cheers!

Pets - we haz dem

As I said in my post from Saturday, we got fish. I also said I would be back on Sunday to tell you all about them, but as you can see that didn’t happen. I would love to say I was too busy traveling or petting kitties or counting my money to get to it, but the truth is that I didn’t get to it because we now have fish. And fish require a lot of work when first setting their little tank up. There’s lots of tubes and cleaning and buying and cleaning. It’s incredible that a pet everyone thinks is so low maintenance can suck that much time away from you. Ah, but they’re worth it, I have to admit. I’m quite attached to our little tank menagerie. I’m sure pictures of them wouldn’t translate well so just know they’re adorable and every little creature has its own personality surprisingly enough, even the (icky) shrimp and seemingly boring snails. It’s pretty cool and I’m glad Michael decided to take this project on. More later, I’m sure. It’s a regular fishy drama around here.

Link to Michael’s photos of the tank.

Remembering

This morning I attended a memorial for a man I didn’t know very well. He was my contact at a vendor we used at my last job (last office job, that is). While I didn’t interact with him much, he did teach me a lot about the business we were in. He was patient, kind, honest, and really fun to work with. He was very close to my bosses and they had been friends for years and years. I heard he passed away at only 48 years old last week leaving behind a beautiful wife whom he loved dearly and two college age kids. I learned of the memorial in the same email that told me he had passed away and even though I didn’t know him that well, I knew I needed to go. Driving to the church this morning I still didn’t know why I needed to be there.

Upon arriving at the church, it dawned on me that I was going to be in a church full of people I didn’t know and I became pretty nervous. Couple that with the fact I was going to a Church and I was shaking by the time I walked through the door. I kept an eye out for any of my past co-workers, but I wasn’t sure they were going to attend so my thoughts turned to my past employers. I knew they would be there. One of them had been asked to speak. I never did see them before we had to settle into our seats. I’m sure they were running interference for the family as that’s typically left up to the close friends of the departed at the memorial.

It was a really great service, I must say. I cried through the whole thing and my ex-boss (I hate calling him that) said some very moving and wonderfully kind things about his friend and his family. Near the end of the service I had such a feeling of peace come over me and I knew that whatever it was that drove me there had been satisfied. I know that’s vague, but I can’t say more because I don’t know any more than that. Sometimes, that just how life is, I guess. I can’t know the answers to everything, I just need to follow my gut and trust that a greater good has been served with my actions of faith.

Even though I don’t go to church anymore, I do have faith and I do pray. I’ve been praying for this man and his family and friends for a few days now. It was good to see them and put a face with my thoughts and prayers, to be able to picture them being blessed because of the hundreds, perhaps thousands of people sending so much peaceful energy their way. My heart still hurts for the family and friends left behind, but it rejoices for the man who’s passed on to an existence I can’t even begin to imagine.

I want to post another quote today. This one is from the Bible…his daughter said she read this the night before he had his stroke… it struck me in the face and I lost my breath for a moment when she finished reading it….

John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Sometimes I forget how supernatural God can be, shoot, how supernatural he is. I love to investigate and learn about the spiritual things in this world, but I need to be reminded (often) that he’s here with us in every breath with knowledge of what is coming the next few seconds, days, months… he can prepare us and usually does with little nudges and whispers. She was comforted by that verse just as I have been comforted in the past, but I realized today that I had forgotten this. I had closed my eyes and ears to these things and didn’t even realize it. I feel kind of foolish about that when I’m completely honest with myself… I discovered today that I need to make some changes so stay tuned, it’s going to get interesting around here.

Ok, that was heavier than the usual post so I need to lighten this up a bit before I go… guess what? WE HAVE FISHES! More on that tomorrow…. just know that we have an adorable collection of saltwater fishies and various under-the-sea creatures in our living room just kicking it, living their little aquatic lives. It’s pretty cool. Ok, so it’s only one fish, but he’s a freaking cool clown fish just like Nemo and I need to go name him. He kind of looks like a Frank….Oh, and there’s snails and a shrimp, too.  I have lots of naming to do…

What a Croc

I hate Crocs. They are quite possibly the only shoes I don’t like. I saw this today and just had to share it since I’m obviously not the only one…

Cheers.

Are you happy now, Melissa?!?!

I wasn’t posting often enough for my dear friend, Melissa so I’m giving her a pity post. ;P Just kidding! Actually, I’ve been working on a few different ideas for posts lately and I just wasn’t sure which one to publish right now. I seem to have more incomplete thoughts these days what with all the changes going on. Here’s just an update on some of the stuff going on since last time…

Michael got a job - yay! It looks promising and I really really hope he likes it there. He starts in a week and I can’t help but feel nervous for him like he’s starting mid-year at a new school. I’ll hopefully be able to stop myself from worrying about him on that first day.

I’m finally getting into the rhythm of my job, but I’m still not liking the fact that I spend a nice amount driving there everyday, but then I remember that everyone on the 101 with me is doing the same and I still don’t feel ok, but I know my misery is shared, at least.

Right now, I’m listening to our neighbor’s new dog bark. He’s apparently very lonely when they leave for the day and has been barking for the last week whenever he’s put outside. This morning it started at 7am. On a Saturday. I’m going over later to have a little discussion about this poor little puppy and how I want to fling him over the wall and free him from his misery.

Mother’s Day is tomorrow and I actually got cards out early this year. Yay me! So, to our moms - if you’re reading this, we love you and wish you the best tomorrow and always. Smooch!

I should probably go get showered and stuff to go to the grocery store. I’m shopping with my mom today for food for tomorrow’s lunch in her honor. She buys the food, I cook it, it’s a lovely arrangement we have all thanks to my very smart sister.

I’ll write more later, I promise (Melissa!). Happy Saturday, er Caterday everyone!